Tuesday, October 4, 2011

my belly held you until my arms could.

My sweet little boy, less than 1 day old. I remember just being in awe of how this tiny little baby was just inside my belly the day before. I created this, well Shane helped a little. He grew inside my belly for 9 whole months, how amazing. 

When he was first born, after he was cleaned up and the nurse handed him back to me, I smelled his breath. I know this sounds weird, but I made Shane do it too. Think about it, its like pure life. He's never eaten anything, and he's only been breathing real air for maybe 20 minutes. I just breathed it in and that's when it sunk in, this is our baby. No one else's, ours. We are responsible for him for the rest of our lives. And looking back, although it's only been 5 months, I had no idea that I could love something so much, so unconditionally, that I would literally die before I let anything hurt him. I didn't know there was a whole different level of love that you could feel, that you only feel, I think, for your child. I had no idea who this little baby was, his personality. I had no idea that after 5 months he could even have a personality: likes and dislikes, laugh big, full, belly laughs, have food preferences. He's like a little man, except he can't talk or walk! 

When I saw this picture, I started to cry because even after just 5 short months, he is growing so much and it's going by so fast, too fast. Pretty soon he'll be crawling, then walking, then's too fast and although I love watching him learn new things everyday, it's bittersweet. One day I won't be able to smell that sweet baby smell, hold him and look into his baby blue eyes as I feed him, or rock him to sleep. They will all just be a memory, gradually fading over time, only brought back by pictures and a few videos. So everyday I try hard to take more time, to really enjoy every second with him, to smell his hair, kiss his chubby cheeks, and hold him tight. To completely breathe in his absolute innocence and purity. An old man told me this (I'm not joking, an old man really did when I was out with Carson one day) "It may seem hectic and hard right now with a new baby, but these are the best days of your life. I wish someone would have told me that". Everyday I am finding out more and more that they really are. Sleep deprived, crazy, busy, long days, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

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